


The Ember Planet Players: The Last Production

by prosepeare



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Avatar (TV) Fusion, Gen, Parody, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, a sequel to 'the ember planet players', fandom cliches and metacommentary galore, making fun of ships, only in premise, seriously if you haven't seen it don't read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 04:30:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13287018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prosepeare/pseuds/prosepeare
Summary: When the Resistance is low on morale, it's time for some levity and comedy, and portraying themselves as confident heroes.They should have picked another production.





	The Ember Planet Players: The Last Production

Poe, Finn, Rose, and Rey exited the theater in silence; General Organa would have joined them, had she not been feeling ill, and having a premonition that this production would have made her feel sicker.

Behind them, half of the audience wanted to praise the director of the production (someone named Ry’in JoSon) to varying degrees; others wanted to cut his limbs off with a lightsaber and leave him to burn on the shores of a lava pit.

They were vaguely inclined towards some degree of lightsabering.

\--

The actor playing Hux stood up so straight one would have thought a pole had been shoved up his ass. “This is the First Order—”

“Order? I’d like a few pizzas to go, please, and a side of—” rang out the voice of the actor clearly playing Poe.

This tangent of conversation, which went on for a few more lines, would have kept the small Resistance crew laughing had one of them not been “That’s what Kylo Ren said last night!”

“He didn’t!” Actor-Hux protested. “He likes me to be the bottom!”

Suddenly the four all felt violently ill.

\--

“You are a _very_ bad man,” Actor-Leia said, shaking her finger.

“Sure thing, _mom_ ,” Actor-Poe rolled his eyes.

“Don’t you dare sass me! You’re not too old for me to take you over my knee!”

When the conversation and stage directions began to indicate that the scene would actually take that turn, all four covered their eyes.

“She didn’t…” Poe could only protest feebly. “And I was _not_ disrespectful!”

‘Disrespectful’ might have applied better to the directions given to Actor-Finn, who clumsily stumbled, plodded, and generally monkeyed around the set before finally making his way to Poe – the two immediately breaking into a passionate embrace of such length that it began to make the audience murmur.

\--

“Master Skywalker, the Resistance ne—”

“Nope.”

“But your sister as—”

“Nope.”

“I’m Force—”

“Double nope.”

This was _kind_ of accurate, Rey couldn’t help thinking some.

“But you never gave up on Darth Vader! You were supposed to be the great optimistic leader hero naïve boy.”

“Sorry, the old Luke Skywalker can’t answer that question. Why? Because he’s been replaced by some cynical old man bearing the same name.”

“You need to—”

“Blah blah blah blah.”

Rose, Finn, and Poe looked at Rey expectantly.

“He was more mature about it in reality. Among other things.”

\--

“Rey of the stars,” said the actor playing Kylo Ren – who, despite the fact that they’d done a hack job with makeup to give him a scar, was still a ridiculous pretty-boy; even more ridiculously pretty-boy in comparison to the real one. “You are the one for me. Join me, and we can make a Force Legacy…with our joint power, we could rule the galaxy!”

“Forget ruling the galaxy,” said the actress playing Rey, who was wearing way too much makeup. “You rule my heart!”

The real Rey felt her stomach begin to rebel.

“We are bound together by the will of the Force…” the actor now struck a dramatic pose, a pose that made his shirt tear, inviting gasps of varying sorts from the audience – and an overdramatic gasp and blush from the Rey-Actress.

“I can see into your soul…” she murmured. “And I like what I see.”

Rey wished that the fate of the galaxy didn’t somewhat depend on her livelihood, because otherwise she would have probably taken a dramatic ‘Nope’ exit with the aid of the Force right then and there.

\--

“Well, we’ve got to do _something_ while Rey and Kylo Ren are having romantic shenanigans,” Actor-Finn said to Actor-Poe and the newly introduced Actor-Rose. “How about we all just go on this random journey that’ll get a lot of people killed and accomplish basically nothing while we wait for this one random lady to actually do something?”

“Sure thing,” Actor-Rose said, blushing some.

“Though I’d love to come with you, Finn darling,” Actor-Poe said in a voice probably meant to be romantically confident and cocky, “I’ve got to stick around. _Someone’s_ got to be the _real_ rebellious hero around here. You two go off and have bumbling misadventures.”

“That was _not_ how it happened!” Finn protested.

“And we accomplished things!” Rose added. “Maybe not so directly to the Resistance…but if nothing else, destroying the casino and that system was very… _cathartic_.” Finn nodded thoughtfully. He’d seen and learned a lot through that.

Poe didn’t want to speak ill of the dead, especially when the dead had done the right thing, but he couldn’t help thinking it might have helped had the late admiral told them the plan from the beginning.

\--

“I knew it!” Actor-Rey raised a fake lightsaber to the ‘sky’. “I knew that Ben Solo was really sensitive and misunderstood all along! I can save him! I know I can!”

“Don’t go being ridiculous,” said an extremely grumpy Actor-Luke.

“You saved your father…and now I can save my One True Love with the Force Power of True Love! The power that being a female grants me – the ability to save any man, whether he wants to be redeemed or not!”

Even at her most naïve/desperate/hopeful, Rey had never believed, or thought of, Kylo Ren in any romantic sense. The fact that they were perverting it in their interpretations – plus the obvious misogyny – made all the four feel queasy.

\--

“Lick my boot, former Stormtrooper filth,” Actor Hux sneered at the kneeling actors playing Finn and Rose – and to Finn’s eternal disgust, his actor actually did it. “Now, we shall show you the futility of your actions and plotline by proving that next time, you should just listen to your leaders unconditionally, especially when you’re of inferior races!”

Poe, Finn, and Rose all looked equally outraged.

\--

Actor-Rey was kneeling in front of the Snoke actor – when suddenly, she stood and ‘stabbed’ him. “I’ve done it!” She announced proudly. “I’ve freed you from his bindings, Ben – you’re free again! The Force bond between us is finally unleashed with his death!”

“WHAT?!” All the four said out loud.

“That’s not what happened!” Rey protested. “Snoke did the Force bond! And Ren killed him!”

“WHAT?!” The other three said, really stunned by this.

“Yes, and we fought together, against the guards, like they are—” she gestured towards the stage “—but he never did anything good! Even at his _best_ , he wanted me to go to the Dark Side! There was never any idea from him that he might change.” The thought made her feel a little sad, but even fully resigned – no, _resolved_. Resolved to destroy and defeat him. Make him pay.

“So, what, Ren killed Snoke and said you did?” Poe asked, thoughtful. Rey nodded. “Well, that’s something to keep in mind…”

\--

The battle scenes that happened next were so badly staged that they weren’t sure which took the prize.

Finn argued for the one where his actor, by stumbling, tripping, and monkeying the whole way, somehow knocked over Phasma’s actress.

Poe wasn’t sure it actually counted as a ‘fight scene’, but the scene where ‘General Organa’ spanked him for his ‘naughtiness’ was definitely out-of-character for both.

Rose wasn’t too fond of the one where, after Finn’s actor did the worst supposed ‘sneak suicide attack’ ever, her actress overdramatically charged in front of the way, nearly supposedly fatally injured herself and gave a passionate overdramatic (especially compared to the actual one) kiss, which had other actors on stage doing a metacommentary that this officially left Rey free for Ren.

Rey thought the idea that Ren had actually brought Luke Skywalker to such despair that he just killed himself in shame of having been a terrible uncle to ‘poor woebegotten Ben Solo’ (as her actress dubbed him, as she vowed to keep him in her heart, as one day she would successfully redeem him) was just ridiculous.

And so it was those scenes they had in mind when they vowed to, once the Resistance had won, seek out the director and have A Word with him.

\--

**Epilogue:**

General Hux was at the end of his string. ‘Supreme Leader Ren’ was getting not only more irrational by the day, but more paranoid too. The troops were only kept in line by fear of what he’d do to them if they left, combined with an even stricter brainwashing and controlled regime (all, of course, kept in line by him). The more senior officers were kept in line by fear of what would happen if the First Order lost. He was one of them…and, frankly, if the Resistance came by and it looked like they’d win, he might accidentally-on-purpose do something that would sabotage ‘Supreme Leader Ren’s’ chances of victory, or at least livelihood.  

The scenes where this production had made him seem not only _submissive_ , but _a_ submissive, to Ren meant this director must die, of course.

However, the scenes where Ren came off as less of a scary ~~(pathetic)~~ leader and a sad tragic overgrown child (the last part being true, though), with him and that scavenger (even more than the comedy with the traitor scum)…

Well, after Phasma’s death, he could be forgiven for being in need with some lightening of the mood.

“Obviously, these disrespectful fools must die,” he told the officer who’d brought this to him. “But even more than that, you must, most certainly, _not_ get a copy of the production before killing them. And you must _not_ transfer it to my personal server. And you must – actually, just, whatever happens, make sure—” he couldn’t help rolling his eyes “— _Supreme Leader Ren_ —doesn’t know about this.”

“You mean the not doing it parts?”

Imbecilic incompetents. “Just…just do it.”

“The not-do-it parts?”

“Yes!” he hissed. “And…just go, before the _Supreme Leader_ —”

A loud scream of petulant rage rang out.

“—finds out about this.”

The other party couldn’t scramble fast enough. Hux wished he could join them…but sadly, _someone_ had to be the adult around here.

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the first one too, and know that this is not all necessarily a reflection of my own thoughts on the movie.


End file.
